NEW DAY NEW LESSON

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All of us have unresolved issues and some amount of self doubt. All of us, in one way or another, or for one reason or another, beat ourselves up. Sometimes we share what’s going on inside of us, other times we hide it away and hope things will resolve themselves.

 

It’s not easy to share self doubt and to show the world a part of you that they don’t really get to see.  It’s not easy to be vulnerable and open. It’s not easy to share the insecure part of you. I probably share more than the people that love me are comfortable with and I understand them. Because every once in a while I do see myself as they see me.

 

There’s an advantage to sharing. In many ways it sets you free and starts you on the road to healing and change. I think about how some of my oncology patients, for a myriad of reasons, hide their cancer from their loved ones. Whatever their reason for hiding their illness, it’s a strain. They have to maintain two facades and it drains their energy.

 

It’s the same when you’re struggling. Sharing eases the burden. It lets you cope with what you are feeling without having to put on a game face all the time.

 

Today’s a good day. This week’s been a good week so I feel safer sharing some of the things the go on inside of me.

 

This week’s theme for the 52 Frames photography group I’m part of is “a ritual”. Like every theme, it’s open to interpretation. I thought long and hard and out of nowhere it hit me that the one ritual that I repeat over and over is “beating myself up”. So I took a bunch of pictures of me doing just that. These are my runner up pictures. (Click here to see the one I uploaded.)

I wrote a poem to go along with my picture submission.

 

I don’t need a mirror
To see all that’s wrong
With the way that I look
With the things that I do

 

I’m my own harshest critic
I cut me no slack
I beat myself up
Every opportunity I get

 

For not learning enough
For unkind words
For not living up to expectations
For not doing the million things on my list

 

It’s a ritual so ingrained
Its origin untraced
But it’s rooted in guilt
And it’s void of self love

 

Every day I try
And sadly every day I fail
To break free of this ritual
To be kinder to myself

 

With every failure
Imagined or real
I lapse into self blame
An added reason to chastise myself

 

It’s painful, it’s brutal
The scars are unseen
But they’re there and they scream
You’re not worthy of love

 

My head tries to reason
With the emotions of my heart
It tries to explain
Why I’m actually pretty great

 

But my heart won’t listen
It never feels enough
On most days no matter what it does
It doesn’t feel loved

 

Maybe I just need a new mirror
One that only reflects love
So I can see all that’s right
And learn to accept all the rest

 

What things do you find hard to share?